The double-digit sub-zero temps all over the country a couple of weeks ago were a nice kick in the nads for the nervous nellies who reside in the Wacky World of Global Warming.

I love it when that happens.

In fact, it’s been reported that Al Gore tripled his depression meds when he realized the weather folks were saying POLAR VORTEX…not SOLAR VORTEX.  Jesus Al, get a friggin’ hearing aid.  It’s OK…they have low carbon footprints.  At least a million times less than your private jet.

Poor Al still can’t catch a break…I mean, he loses the Presidency by 537 lousy votes, and you can STILL cruise the streets of Manhattan and Miami without a snorkel.

How in Sam Hell DOES he cope?

What a schmuck.

Anyway… Continue reading →

I love the State of the Union…the pomp and circumstance…the tradition…Pelosi sitting behind Trump with a big, dumb look on her face.

Well, OK…her normal expression.

Hey, it was more exciting than that crappy, boring Super Bowl two days earlier.

Sixteen lousy points…gimme a break.

So….The state of the union is…constipated?  Or so it seemed by looking at the anguished mugs of every Democrat, who looked like one would if they inhaled six pounds of provolone and were completely…um…backed-up….and there was a strike at the Ex-Lax factory. Continue reading →

Well, it was nice while it lasted.  Like for Curly, when Moe needs a bathroom break and momentarily stops beating him on the head with a mallet.   

NYUK, NYUK, NYUK!

But with the latest developments in the government shutdown saga…Government temporarily reopens…three weeks to get an agreement…well, the break’s over.

Dammit…I must opine.

I don’t know what it is.  I just hate the subject.  Alright, let’s get it over with…a few observations…a prediction…and a shit ton of mocking and ridiculing Liberals and their Siamese twins in the media, who haven’t uttered one goddamn syllable in this whole ordeal that’s made one iota of sense, or is such a massive agenda-driven lie, it would give Pinocchio nose envy.

And you know what they say about guys with long…uh…well…let’s just say Pinocchio was quite popular with the ladies.

Continue reading →

I will not write about the shutdown every week.  

I will not write about the shutdown every week.  

I will not write about the shutdown every week.

He chanted.

Why, you ask?  Well…

1. It’s getting boring.
2. I’d be repeating myself.
3. There’s nothing new until Pelosi decides to stop holding her breath, turning blue in the face, stomping the ground with her $800 pumps, and start negotiating.

I’ll just ask one question before moving on…How can Pelosi keep saying she’s just SO distraught about the poor Government workers affected by the 25% shutdown…yet week after week passes, and she refuses to lift a crooked finger and do a goddamn thing about it?

As we all know, much of life is simply showing up. 

Show up, Nancy.  Just f*cking show up. Continue reading →

I like that title.  REALLY like it.  It has the word “ass” in it.  Twice.  At this point in history, I can only be talking about this completely asinine 25% government shutdown.  And let’s stop pretending we haven’t seen this many times before.  

Government shuts down.  Blame game ensues.  Some milquetoast “agreement” happens. Government reopens.  

Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

Fine, it’s now the longest shutdown in history.  That’s SO Trump, right?  The biggest.  The best. THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!  I’d expect NOTHING less.

This one’s different, though.  A sign of the times, I suppose.  There simply seems to be no resolution forthcoming to the fundamental dispute at hand.  

A Mexican Standoff, if you will.  (I know…WAY too easy…Hee Hee). Continue reading →

JFK.  LBJ.  AOC?

I don’t know about you, but I can’t get enough of that young lady…Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. AOC for short.  This newly elected 29-year-old self-described Socialist Congresswoman from New York…kinda cute at certain angles and just the right lighting, overflowing in spunk, well-intentioned…but intellectually, makes your garden-variety train wreck resemble a simple fender bender.

Did you…um…catch that 60 Minutes interview?  Any interviewer of her that I’ve seen…Anderson Cooper in this case…just sits there with their jaw dropped to the floor.  Utter amazement at what they are hearing…clearly trying not to burst out laughing.  Or simply awash in confusion.

So, as all this got me thinking about stupid women in general, visions of Nancy Pelosi danced through my head.

Last Christmas reference, I promise.

So…with apologies to Batman and Robin…I give you…The Dynamic Duo of Dumbness!

D-cubed for you math majors.

Continue reading →

OK everyone…WAKE UP!…chop, chop…Holidays are over.  Time to get your aching head back in the game.  And for the love of God…PLEASE dispose of that vile Eggnog.  That crap makes me want to heave even before the expiration date rears its ugly head.  I DO have a sporting chance of keeping it down if it’s laced with some fine Cognac…but soiling top shelf booze like that just seems REALLY wrong.

And given my official Holiday weight gain of 3 pounds, I fully expect Michael Moore to start doing fat jokes about ME.

Anyway…

I know you’re all as dog tired as me of enduring the endless semantic circle jerk as it relates to the current…let’s be candid…25% shutdown of the government.

25%?  Yeah.  Big Whoop.

Walls…Fences…Steel Slats…Barriers.  PLEASE F*CKING STOP!!!  I’m getting a headache layered on top of my Holiday binge drinking headache. Continue reading →

Can you believe it?  This is the third Christmas season for The Drunken Republican.  But if I’ve learned ONE thing…it’s that folks are way too busy around the Holidays to sit around with their loved ones in front of the Christmas tree, and even THINK about some silly political blog that is really nothing more than a collection of snarky one-liners spewed by a frustrated comedy writer.

During a normal week, I’m perfectly OK competing for the time of potential readers against things like watching paint dry, and picking lint out of one’s belly button.  But wasting ANY hilarious Michael Moore fat jokes during the Holiday season that very few will have the pleasure of seeing…well…I just don’t see the point.

And in that vain, I have decided to re-publish a poem I wrote on the very first Drunken Republican Christmas, chronicling Donald Trump’s journey to the White House.  If Jimmy Fallon and The Roots can take a holiday hiatus, dammit, so can I.

I hope this little trip down memory lane warms the cockles of your heart as it did for me… Continue reading →

Before Donald Trump came along to snatch an election from some woman we all wish would just make like a tree and LEAVE…and I heard the word “Trigger”…the first thing that entered my consciousness was a horse owned by some singer/actor dude named Roy Rogers.  OK, a bit before my time…and most likely yours…but the reference works, so hang with me.

NOW…when I hear THAT word…I immediately think of the aforementioned Donald J. Trump…and literally everything he says, does, or tweets that TRIGGERS the entire 50% of the country that bemoans his very existence on this planet.  In its purest form, of course, “trigger” simply indicates a total spaz out.  And if a person…uh…hypothetically speaking…was so pathetic as to have enough time on their hands to ACTUALLY Google the word “spaz,” they would find the verb form definition to be…”lose physical or emotional control.”

Hmmm…coincidentally, that’s the very same definition as “Trump Derangement Syndrome.”  Wait…check that…I’m one word off here.  The ACTUAL TDS definition is “lose physical, emotional, or bladder control.”

Gonna be a great Christmas over at the Depends factory…🎼 LET IT FLOW, LET IT FLOW, LET IT FLOW 🎼 Continue reading →

Sniff, Sniff.  Do you smell that?  Something’s burning.  Oh wait…it’s just Paris.  And if anyone’s surprised one iota by that, you might be afflicted by the political equivalent of Attention Deficit Disorder.  This recent rioting in the City of Lights…ostensibly started over another massive increase in gas taxes, elevating gas prices to about 7 bucks a gallon. 

But it was really about much, much more.

SEVEN BUCKS!!!  Jesus…I’d expect a post fill-up happy ending for THAT price.

Thank God I have Amazon Prime so I can get free shipping on that rickshaw I just ordered…said every person in France. Continue reading →